One of the most common questions I have in my practice is “how do I teach my child to regulate their stress response?”, and let me tell you, this is not a simple question! There are so many moving parts of the stress response, of each individual child, of their experiences up until this particular moment. It’s actually a very complex question that cannot be answered in one sentence. And so my response to this question is often a “deer in headlights” look (have you learnt about this state in my free vagus nerve webinar?) - there are so many facts running through my brain that I freeze, and am unsure what to say at all!

How a child’s brain regulates

There are two major parts of the brain that influence how a child can regulate themselves. And they also happen to work even better together.

The Vagus Nerve

The vagus nerve is one of the first parts of the nervous system to develop, and is what tells us we are safe in the world. It has special ‘sensing’ powers, that constantly scan the environment for signs of threat or safety. This happens at such a fast speed that our conscious brain doesn’t even know it’s happening.

The vagus nerve scans for things in other people such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and overall ‘vibe’. It also scans the environment for other signs of danger, for example things moving quickly towards you, or flashing lights, loud noises, or unknown noises/smells/people.

If danger is detected, the vagus nerve sends that message to other areas of the nervous system to activate an appropriate response to the danger. This could be fighting, running away (flight), or even freezing (like that deer in headlights).

The other thing the vagus nerve does is support the nervous system to withdraw from the stressful state. Ie once the threat is gone, the vagus nerve then sends safety signals to the brain and body, so that the activation can cease, and the system can return to calm.

Now the vagus nerve is actually so much more complex and nuanced than this, which is why I teach a mini series on it (as well as coaching).

The Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop. We often refer to this as our ‘rational brain’ - because it is where everything comes into our conscious awareness (for processing).

Now children have less developed prefrontal cortices (we all have two - right and left) than us adults, and this is definitely a big part of the regulation capacity of a child. BUT there should be some activity in their PFC, because it has a role to play in bodily functions, self-awareness, motor control and learning to listen/speak/comprehend language. So it’s not exactly dormant until your 20s then suddenly you have full function. It develops over time, and is dependent on the experience of the vagus nerve, the sensory system, and the motor systems. (ie, movement, sensory experiences, and how safe a child feels).

The prefrontal cortex provides a sense of inner safety in the world. A sense of knowing where their body is in space, how they truly feel about things (now if they don’t feel good about something this might appear like dysregulation), and a strong communication with the vagus nerve.

The vagus and prefrontal cortex need to work in unison for full regulation capacity.

I know you’re probably here because you understand that children have ‘lower’ capacity for regulation than adults, but you feel as though there is something amiss in your child. And honestly? This grey area is exactly where I spend most of my time in my clinic (and coaching).

But just in case you happened to just stumble up on this blog, it’s important to highlight that a child can only regulate within their neurodevelopmental capacity. We cannot expect a child to regulate in the same way as an adult (though I could argue that many adults have lowered capacity for self-regulation too!).

So now that we understand that concept, the other concept to understand is how the vagus and prefrontal cortex work together (or not).

If a child feels inherently unsafe in the world, ie their vagus nerve tone is low (and everything feels unsafe), they will be in a constant activated [or fight/flight] state. This will manifest in behaviours that are dependent on the child, but the underlying pattern is that they are constantly activated, feel threatened by more than the average child, are triggered easily, seem to have hightened dysregulation responses, and need a LOT of safety cues to calm down again.

Now some kids might seem like they are quick to trigger, but also quick to calm. These kids might have a vagus nerve that isn’t working optimally, but a prefrontal cortex that helps them rationalise they are actually safe.

Other kids might be quick to trigger and take a long time to calm. These kids might not have optimal vagus or prefrontal cortex function.

And then other kids might actually be hard to trigger, but once they’re set off, they have HUGE responses. These kids might have adequate vagal tone, but low prefrontal cortex function. Meaning they generally feel safe, but once they are triggered into the stress response they have absolutely no way of rationalising their feelings.

Are you starting to see why it’s SUCH a complex thing to consider when your child is struggling to regulate.. and this is only touching the surface! Do you know which ‘category’ your child falls into (above)?

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