My love/hate relationship with positive affirmations
Hi, it’s Ashleigh here with some thoughts about positive affirmations and my love/hate relationship with them!
You’d probably assume that all meditation teachers love positive affirmations, but my love-hate relationship with them probably makes me an outlier. My contrarian views don’t always win people over, but hear me out on this one. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and place where affirmations can offer people support and comfort. But should we be using them as excessively as instagram and pinterest tell us to? I’m not convinced.
Have you ever experienced a tragedy and vulnerably turned to a friend who responded with “everything happens for a reason”. Imagine experiencing a housefire or losing a loved one, only for someone to respond with “it’s all part of the universe's divine plan”. These kinds of spiritually bypassing cliches dismiss uncomfortable feelings to focus on the positive.
This kind of toxic positivity quickly shuts down emotions which are often considered “negative”. We live in a world where many people avoid normal human feelings such as sadness, anger and anxiety. These kinds of coping tools make it hard for others to open up to us and express themselves freely without fear of getting shut down or bumming someone out. And when they’re internalized they lead to the suppression of uncomfortable emotions.
How about affirmations that conflict with your long-held beliefs about yourself?
Ever look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful” only to hear your thoughts clap back with “pfft who are you kidding? You look like a smashed lasagne.” Or maybe you’re repeating an affirmation like “I attract wealth and success” when in reality, you’re terrified that you won’t make ends meet this week.
We’re told that if we repeat the affirmation enough, eventually we will believe it. Neuroscience shows this isn’t true. What actually happens in the brain is vastly different. Each time we state an affirmation at odds with a strongly held belief, our mind claps back with the opposing tail ender and further strengthens the unwanted neural pathway. These positive affirmations don’t override long held beliefs but they do help us gain insights about ourselves and what we’re ready to overcome.
Thankfully, there are some simple solutions to using affirmations that work with you, not against you.
Firstly, try keeping it simple. You might find that “I attract wealth” has you rolling your eyes asking yourself “yeah but when?” Keep it simple by repeating only the word “wealth”. This gives your subconscious mind less to resist and makes it easier to accept.
Secondly, in EFT tapping we use phrases of radical acceptance to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings and bring in the belief we are working towards. Tapping affirmations sound like “Even though I am feeling stressed, I accept myself unconditionally”. When radical self-acceptance is challenging, we adapt the affirmation to “I am learning how to accept myself ” or “I am open to accepting my feelings” again creating a path of less resistance.
Lastly, affirmations that don’t resonate act as incredible access points for further inquiry, pointing us towards the unhelpful thought patterns that need our support.
Back then when you called yourself a smashed lasagne - that’s harsh by the way - well that’s the perfect place to start your next EFT tapping session.
With EFT you may discover where this belief came from, integrate the stressful feelings and overcome the pattern once and for all, so that next time you say “I am beautiful” you might actually begin to believe it. And if not, at least you’ll be one step closer.
Want to learn how to practice EFT for yourself? Check out the online group tapping sessions I am facilitating.
If you prefer to work one on one, you can book in for a session with me! I offer a free discovery call to chat about what you need.