Ashleigh Marlow, somatic arts therapist on the Dr Carrie team, is so passionate about working with families. In this personal blog, she wanted to share why this is the case, and how it influences her work as a therapist.

“For all my adult life, I’ve attended events surrounded by incredible yet exhausted women. We’ve shared vulnerable moments and mental health goals, and one thing that struck me was the common theme; we all want to do better, but we don’t always know how.

Countless are the number of times I’ve watched a mother cry her heart out for losing her cool with her kids. This common experience bleeds into my 1:1 work where I’m often supporting people to escape the self-criticism and shame spiralling from their perceived mistakes. The pressures for women and mum’s to be perfect is exhausting, stressful and completely unfair. It’s no wonder that so many people are burnt out and struggling to self-regulate.

I’ve often felt the same myself; as though I’ve been carrying so much already that the slightest stressful moment leads to tears or regretful heated exchanges. I’ve felt the guilt and shame of emotions boiling over at the worst possible moments onto those I love most in the world. And I’ve spent the past decade wondering, searching and training in how to do better. Not only for the people I love, but for myself too.

The easiest thing has been all the books. So, so many books, teaching you how to gain self-awareness and communicate better, how to seek enlightenment, and how to grow rich quick or die trying. Then there are the social media gurus and their pop psychology terminology, and the people you watch from afar who seem to have everything together so easily. While absorbing all of this information, what was really missing for me was seeing these healthy dynamics modelled in real time. I needed a space where I could practise these new tools myself among people who would offer me grace.

You see, growing up I didn’t have many examples of people fighting fair, expressing their needs without yelling or showing me how to repair. Concepts like non-violent communication, attachment theory, and self-regulation were very new to me as a young adult. I grew up in a pretty normal single-parent family as a latchkey kid. My parents worked full-time and were consistently time-poor and highly stressed. Miscommunications led to accusations which escalated into enormous blow outs. And I so often hear from those who never saw their parents communicate at all.

Entering adulthood, I knew I wanted something else but I had no idea what that looked like. I yelled to feel heard, misunderstandings led to tears, and I was tolerating toxic behaviours because I didn’t really know anything different. I was burnt out, desperate for change, and had no clue where to start in order to break the cycle. But I knew I needed to learn how.

I’m proud of my younger self for being courageous enough to take those first steps to gain mental health support. It’s not at all what I imagined. I thought I was going to fix the self I perceived as broken, when in reality, I was learning how to show up for myself and take accountability for my life.

In the past decade since, my entire world has changed for the better. It wasn’t always easy, learning how to self-regulate and clearly express my emotions and needs. Learning to hold boundaries meant retraining my nervous system to feel safe doing so. With the right, trauma-informed support, I finally resolved the unhealed trauma that was setting off my freeze response, and rehabilitated my people pleasing patterns. And finally, with a greater sense of self-worth and the ability to love with boundaries, I co-created the supportive partnership I longed for with a beautiful human being!

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not perfect. There are always going to be misunderstandings and people make mistakes, but when we - as humans - develop the self-awareness and skills to practice repair, we turn these moments into lessons about ourselves and our loved ones. With a calm nervous system, instead of jumping into fight/flight, triggering each other's attachment styles and adding fuel to the fire, we become more attuned to each other's needs and find the win-win solutions. In a relaxed parasympathetic state, we communicate with compassion and practice gentle-parenting skills with more ease.

When people come to me stressed out and overwhelmed, these are the foundational tools I share. Because what I care about most is what y’all tell me you care about most; harmony at home. You deserve to experience supportive families, caring relationships and calm, restorative homes. And when we get this stuff right, a lot of the other stuff naturally falls into place. No longer are we wasting energy on unnecessary feuds and spiking our stress hormones. In this safe space, we finally find the environment to heal.”

If this is resonating and you would like some support in this area, I would love to help. Book in for a free 15 minute discovery call and let’s chat!

BOOK WITH ASH

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